Paul's Stuff

Saturday I started the epic task of going through my-dearly-departed husband’s stuff. A good chunk went to family and friends already. Clothes donated to the Salvation Army. The remaining stuff consisted of things he squirreled away over his lifetime. Most of it I had packed and repacked in our five moves and not yet unpacked from the last.

Two boxes hold every stuffed animal he received since birth to high school graduation. The collection of plush Moose (his nickname) decorates the bookcases in the outbuilding called the dungeon. Five Christmas ornament boxes hold every plastic model airplane, he ever glued. Books, model kits, magazines, thousands of photographs mostly of race cars, souvenirs, every letter anyone ever sent him, disks—computer and music, machine oil, craft paints, brushes drafting pens, slide rules, helmet, sunglasses, and stuff.

The room also holds my books, Champagne glasses from our wedding, and his father’s stuff. I open a letter and read Paul’s moment in time. Hold a book and remember he read aloud a paragraph to me. Many things came from his pre-Pam past but that was only eighteen years. The rest represents our life together.

This is the reason it took me two years to start this process.

There are little piles of stuff all over my kitchen. A pile for his brother, one for his sister, his uncle, my nephew, charity, and a category I like to call I-just-don’t-know. The two recycle bins are full as well as the garbage can.

Mom stopped by and was forced to take a load of books.

Today’s Menu:

Sunday I went to church then took Mom to her Art Reception in Placerville. On the way back, we ate diner food that is not on my diet. Lemon Meringue Pie finished the calorie orgy.  

I should feel bad about the splurge but I don’t.  There are no calories on Sunday. That’s the truth. It’s in the Bible—Genesis, I think.

Twinkies

I caught ten minutes of Dr. Oz today, looking for the weather.  He had some dude named Chris Powell on the show. Mr. Powell said one should take his or her current weight and multiply that number by twelve. The product or total is the number of calories that you can eat per day and maintain your weight. More calories you eat above that number the more you gain. The less you lose. By my calculations, I can eat a Twinkie before each meal and still lose weight. Yeah, I’m that fat and skeptical.

I flipped to the news before that particular fairytale took hold of my diet-racked brain. I do have empirical evidence that Mr. Powell is off the mark by +/- 800 calories.

Does anyone watch Dr. Oz? I am not a good judge of what is popular on television. I am limited in my genre—Antiques Roadshow, any movies rated G, old Brit films, Sunday CNN (madly in love with Fareed Zakaria’s brain), The Daily Show, and Jewelry TV.

Dr. Oz seems (to me) to be a snake oil salesman. The kind of person that sells a product based on the revenue generated rather than the actual merits of the product. I could be mistaken about Dr. Oz. I doubt if I have ever seen more than fifteen minutes of his show. For those who like him, my apologies.

My husband watched the show when he was heavily medicated along with Ghost Hunters and Shark Week. Every time I walked into the living room, Dr. Oz’s show touted the best diet along with the author of that program. If every day the show presents a great diet program and its been on air since 2009, how many great diets would that be? Seventy? One Hundred? More? Then shouldn’t any old diet do?

I find that kind of help not helpful.

Today’s Menu:

Breakfast: ½ c Rasin Bran w/ Banana and almond milk.  I made my coffee but forgot to pour it into a cup.
Mid-morning Meltdown: Emergency stop at Starbucks for a Grande Soy Vanilla (2 pump) Latte. Whew! They say anything that is addicting will allow the sellers to put long product labels on it. Then people will ask for it by name and wait in long lines to get it. Like Camel Non-filters Box, Godiva Pineapple Hummingbird Truffle, and In & Out Lemontini.  It’s a human thing.
Lunch: Picked up Chinese food at Ranch 99 Market, Franklin Boulevard. Shared it with Mom, her dog, and mine.  Chow Mein, Chicken Legs (Mom), Pork Ribs (dogs), Mixed Veg, and Tofu skin.

BTW all that was $17. That place is cheap and good.

Snack: Fresh strawberries blended with Almond milk.

Dinner: Stir fry mix of leftover tofu skin & mix veg, with garlic, ginger, mini corn, fresh mushrooms, sprouted mung beans, and oyster sauce.

Blog snack: figs, pecans, and candied ginger.

I skipped the Twinkies.

Curls

I have naturally curly hair.  Yesterday I didn’t and today I do.

Rewind a year ago, I sat in a conference room with eight other women in various stages of cancer. All of us meeting for the first and last time to listen to a nurse explain what we will face as a cancer patient.  The patter stayed lively and bright as each PowerPoint slide depicted the possible treatments with inevitable side affects we would face. Skin lesions, vomiting, death, surgery, diarrhea, fractures, and so on, covered in some detail. We looked at the floor or the walls to avoid eye contact with anyone. This was personal…until she mentioned hair.

A collective gasp echoed through the group. One lady asked over and over and over whether her hair would fall out. The not-so-patient nurse explained that it depended on which of the chemo combinations you were given. A woman that wore the tell-tale knit cap said that this would be her third fight with cancer.  Each time her hair fell out. The nurse quickly stated that not all would have the same results. The oldest woman in the room leaned in and said, “Why wouldn’t you just shave your head?” More gasps. I thought her solution brilliant.

I waited till after my first chemo. The next morning, I showered and a clump of hair came off in my hand. Sicken by the sight—I quickly threw up, dressed, and drove down to Super Cuts. There I spent ten minutes arguing with the young Asian hair dresser that I really wanted my head shaved. Finally a man in the next chair, told her to just do it. She listened to the man.

That was a year ago.  Throughout the process, the medical professionals said my hair would probably come back darker, thicker and curly.  The opposite had been true until this morning.

I dried my hair after a shower and soft curls appeared all over my head.  Yesterday no curls. Today curls. Does that make sense to anyone? Like everything else in the cancer process, accept and move forward. Amen.

Today’s Menu:

Breakfast: Coffee with Agave nectar and almond milk. ½ c Rasin Bran w/ Blueberries and almond milk.

Lunch: All you can eat buffet at Tokyo on Greenback. Fish egg sushi, Seaweed salad, marinated mushrooms, banana, watermelon, sponge cake, apple slice, and an upset tummy.

Snack: 8 red vines. More upset tummy. Save me from buffets. I was full with the plate of Seaweed.

Dinner: Homemade sprouted mung beans, sprouted golden flax seed, ½ c noodles, red marinara sauce, warmed and combined.

Blog snack: raw carrots

Today's Menu

Of course I’m on a diet. I’m an American woman. After a long spell of comfort food to offset the trauma of chemotherapy and to humor my collection of cancer specific medical providers, I am trying to get back to my raw vegan diet. This diet is also recommended by the post-cancer nutritionist. My cancer, though stress created, finds its roots in our SAD Standard America Diet—full of animal proteins—the link to breast cancer in the USA. 

I’m not having much luck sticking with the diet as I no longer have my husband as my reason, inspiration, or life coach. The chance of not getting cancer again by sticking with the diet, does not seem to motive me. It should but doesn't.  I am sporadic at best, trending toward fits of chocolate and French fries. Not really off the diet but not getting the weight off.

So here is today’s transgressions:

Breakfast: Coffee with Agave nectar and almond milk.

Church Social: Prunes, 3 Ritz crackers, Decaf with milk

Lunch: Jack-in-the-Box Southwest Chicken Salad—NO Croutons and the chicken went to Dex my dog.

Snack: Figs I picked up off the ground at Church, a tomato, a plum

Dinner: Homemade sprouted bean soup, soy bean crackers, an apple

            Actually that doesn't look so bad. I did eat 3 cups of bean soup when one would have done.  Notice the milk and coffee are still sneaking into the diet. Both have got to go. 

Oh I just remembered the French fries with ketchup.  Here I was feeling pretty proud of myself.

Wedding day February 12, 1994

You and I are two small remnants of the same

Old soul

Shredded by God for the eighth day 

Sin

Today we share the differences that make 

Our flesh

Settle now for passion, a glimpse

Of ecstasy

Tomorrow we gather all lost fragments and

Mend

Written for our wedding day. I read it to Paul at our reception.
Kept it hidden until now.

Widowed

I float inside my

Grief-colored bubble

I read Mark 10

Cannot pray

Sing Dante’s Prayer

And remember you

Bubble grows small

Will not weep

This night you come back

Your fingers touch mine

With God all is

At last—sleep

This poem was published in 2012 in Inspire Christian Writers Anthology. 

AKA Moose 1964-2011

On June 13th 2011, Paul Anthony Michael Fernandez, AKA Moose, age 46, passed away peacefully at home with his wife at his bedside. Paul was born in Saratoga, California to Constantino P. Fernandez and Ann Dwyer Fernandez who have both predeceased him.
He is survived by his wife Pamela Pimental of Sacramento, his sister Ann Fernandez Swan & brother-in-law Phil Swan of Sacramento, his brother Daniel Fernandez & brother-in-law Angel Fernandez of Seattle, WA, his uncle John Dwyer, aunt Corrine Lee, and their two children—his cousins—Katie & Michael Dwyer of San Francisco, his beloved god-daughters, Brandy DiNatale and Ashley Ramos of Fremont, his mother-in-law, Phyllis Eymann of Sacramento, his Staten Island cousins Jinnie Ericksen and Janet Brown, his Cerritos cousins, Patricia & Don Erlandson, and his step-mother Mary Fernandez of Campbell.
He graduated Saratoga High School in 1982 having been a member of the 1980 Central Coast Football Champions where he proudly wore jersey #65. He was a student at De Anza College and became a CAD draftsman after attending DeVry Technical Institute. He went on to work with a Los Gatos architect, and then to work in transportation engineering for Wilbur Smith & Associates, San Jose, Oakland, San Francisco, and then as the information systems manager for Mazzetti Nash Lipsey Burch Architects of San Francisco. Most knew him as a computer geek, a sci-fi and space junkie, who loved all things electronic.
Paul and Pam eloped to Lake Tahoe after twelve years of courtship and remained a loving couple and best friends for twenty-nine years. They were members of Good Shepherd Church of Fremont where Paul served on the budget committee, volunteered as tech support, photographer, and occasional barbecue chef. After their move to Sacramento, they became members of the Lutheran Church of the Ascension in Citrus Heights.
Paul's deep love of history led him to learn fencing and the use of a musket. Paul and his good friend Spyros Stamos (now deceased) served as volunteers in the National Civil War Association. They attended events all over Northern California, often serving as docents at Civil War historical sites and appeared as extras in eight Civil War documentaries including Gettysburg, Civil War Battlefields-Manassas and Antietam, which were filmed on location.
Paul will be remembered by all as a low-key gentleman, deeply philosophical, with an intense love of friends and family. Fiercely loyal, he cheered the San Francisco Giants but loved the San Jose Sharks, attending many games with his father, Connie. His passion included quarterly Uno games with his life-long buddies—Michael Brinkmann, Trent Balalis, Craig Citko, and Spyros Stamos.
He considered the most important moment of his life to be able to walk—six months after his below-the-knee amputation—his god-daughter Brandy DeLara down the aisle at her 2009 wedding to Vlad DiNatale.
Memorial service will be held 1:00 P.M. on Saturday June 25th at Good Shepherd South Asian Ministry, 4211 Carol Ave. Fremont, CA. 94538.

There will also be a wake with an informal service at the Sacramento home of Paul and Pam—Casa de Fernandez on Sunday June 26th at 3:00PM to 5:00PM.
Additional information is available by contacting pamferd@gmail.com.